Marriage Monday

It's Monday, which means Man Crush Monday in the land of social media. In honor of my Man Crush Monday, I devote this post to marriage.

The first year of marriage was a big flop for us. Wow! That's not what you were expecting. 

I know Mr. M wouldn't mind me sharing because he often (very often) is honest and humorous with people when he tells stories from our first year together. It was rough. If you had a blissful first year, then I applaud you. However, most couples I know admit they were not prepared for what happened in the year after they said "I do." Our first year left me wondering why no one told me about this. Well, here I am, the blogger of bad news. The first year of marriage is not rainbows and butterflies. The first year of marriage is adjustment and compromise. 

I decided to devote a blog post to this topic a few weeks ago, but I wanted to do some research first. Expecting tips and lists about how to survive the first year, I went online to see what has already been written on this topic. This is what I found:

What in the world? There is a Scripture that basically says you should take the first year off after you get married. That is brilliant! I know what you're thinking. That's irrelevant. Better yet, that's impossible. We have to work to make money. We have obligations that can't be ignored. I get it, but there is profound wisdom in this verse that is sandwiched between lots of talk about marriage and divorce. 

The first year of marriage involves a lot of adjustment. The rented tuxedo has been returned, and the bridal gown has been preserved in its box. The honeymoon is over, and there you two are in all your glory. Your day-to-day, sleep talking, morning breath GLORY. Adjustment. It's a beautiful thing.

Had I known this Scripture existed almost six years ago, I would have taken it seriously, but hindsight is 20/20. 

The second half of the verse continues to say, "but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken." This is a commitment they made to be intentional about pursuing each other's happiness during the infamous first year. In today's world, women also have many responsibilities outside the home, and I believe we can apply this to men and women.

No matter how many years you've been married, you need to prioritize your life in order to strengthen your marriage, but the first year is very important.

If you are involved in ministry during the first year of marriage, try to include your spouse in your ministry as much as possible. Your spiritual connection didn't begin and end at the altar on your wedding day; continue that spiritual connection with devotions together. The example you set as a couple has the potential to impact the lives of those around you. Be a ministry team as much as possible.

It's important to maintain friendships after you are married, but don't let social obligations get in the way of bonding with each other. Whether you dated for three weeks or three years, there is much to learn about your spouse. Some things you learn should be celebrated, and other things you learn will make you want to pull out your hair. Enjoy the process of getting to know each other on a deeper level.  

Pursuing the happiness of your spouse also involves making silent sacrifices. You are no longer living for yourself. There is another person walking beside you as you journey through life. Their needs and desires are just as important as your own.

These are only a few examples, but the point is don't let anything distract you from developing your relationship with each other. If you practice this in the first year, you will have a head start as you create healthy patterns for your marriage. 

If you are in the middle of an unexpected year one, don't get knocked down. It's normal. You are not alone. Seek wisdom from other married couples. Don't give up. We are proof that it gets better! It gets so much better, but it takes effort. We are almost six years into our marriage, and I can say it gets better every year. I honestly can't believe how far we have come. I'm not sure what year it actually clicked with us. Honestly, it might have been year two or three, but we eventually learned to accept our differences, to pick our battles, and to celebrate each other. None of that happened in our first year, but it's better late than never! 

So, what was your experience during your first year of marriage?

Have you ever read this Scripture (Deuteronomy 24:5), or do you have any more insight about it?

A Crockpot Family

During our engagement, many people gave me lots of wanted and unwanted advice on how to have a successful, ready-made family. I became an instant mom when I married Mr. M, but we did not become an instant family, at least not the instant family I imagined or the instant family well-meaning people imagined for us. In the beginning, that really bothered me. I could not understand why we were not able to function like the family I had. The truth, which I did not want to accept, is a step-family can have similarities to a biological family, but it will never be a biological family.

The terms ready-made family and instant family are all wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. If you are thinking of marrying to form a step-family or if you are already part of a step-family, get these terms out of your mind. Please, do yourself a favor. It is true that nothing worth having comes easy. I know you might be saying, "But my future spouse, future step-kids, and I get along great." This post isn't about getting along. It's about the process of becoming a strong step-family that will stand the tests and trials you are bound to face. It is just that -- a process -- it does not happen instantaneously.

My mom bought The Smart Step-Family by Ron Deal for me after I got married. I wish I would have read this book prior to marriage because it would have prepared me and truly benefited our family sooner. Please, do yourself another favor and get this book. A lot of what I will write about today comes from this wise author.

There are many ways you can try to force your step-family to come together. Imagine you are in the kitchen. Your ingredients are you, your spouse, and your step-children. You begin to throw all the ingredients inside a blender and viola -- a perfectly smooth mixture. Unfortunately, your ingredients were obliterated in the process. You may have good intentions, but moving too fast toward a beautiful bond can be harmful. Don't let me discourage you. You will have a bond, but let this bond take place gradually and at the pace established by your step-children. 

Let's try again with a food processor. You toss your ingredients inside, and the ingredients are diced into a mixture. This represents chopping up someone's past and origin. It is possible to have a very important role in the lives of your step-children without pretending like they don't have a past and origin that included two parents and a family that once was in tact. 

Maybe the microwave might do the trick. You nuke the ingredients hoping to create something worth waiting for while not waiting long at all. This culinary technique represents families that resent being called a step-family. However, accepting the unique differences about your step-family is the first step in learning how to relate to each other. 

My favorite cooking method is the crockpot. It makes my life so much easier, and using the crockpot method for my step-family has also made my life much easier. Tomorrow, I plan to make crockpot chicken and sausage gumbo (view the recipe here -- add frozen okra and diced onion). 

I'll throw in my ingredients, but they will remain in tact. Each family member in a step-family must remain in tact to keep their unique origin and characteristics. Cooking with low heat will allow my chicken and sausage to become tender, the frozen okra to thaw, the smelly onion to mellow, and the spices and chicken broth to soak into each ingredient. The different ingredients cook low and slow to create one of our favorite meals. The same process is necessary with step-families -- low and slow. Don't add so much pressure on yourselves to perfectly and instantly come together like the Brady bunch. You all need time to adjust to different living conditions, different ways of doing daily activities, and different traditions. Don't rush each other.

Here we are with our newest little ingredient. We're not perfect, but we have tremendously benefited from the crockpot step-family process.

If you like this post, then you will love The Smart Step-Family. Ron Deal is a Christian author, who specializes in advising step-families. I strongly encourage you to get the book today. If you don't need it, get it for a friend or family member who can benefit from it. 

Thanks for reading!

Everything Elyn

I cannot believe this was my little love exactly a year ago. Since spring was just around the corner, I remember telling her we wouldn't have many more days this season that we could sit by the fire together. A year later, I just told myself the same thing. I'm probably the only one in our area thankful for this cold weather blitz. The freezing temperature, the sleet, and even our outdoor umbrella flying across the deck are all reminders that this will be one of the last few nights this winter that we will get to lounge by the fire. 

My Sleeping Beauty is still a great sleeper (11-12 hours a night--HALLELUJAH), but right now she's crawling laps around her crib as I try to blog and attempt to save every memory I can about this stage of her life. Hopefully she can look back on some of my blog posts and come across stories I may not remember as the years go by. So here it is--everything Elyn, for Elyn.

Stats

28" tall

17 lbs. 14 oz. 

Your doctor said I need to make sure you are one of the best dressed students when you start school since he is sure you will be standing on the front row for all of your class pictures. 

Even though these stats put you in the 1st and 4th percentile, no one is concerned about you not getting enough to eat. Your favorite foods are Well, the real topic is your least favorite foods because you eat almost anything. Broccoli, potatoes, or sweet potatoes are not your favorites. Slippery fruits like peaches and mandarin oranges will go in your mouth and quickly slide back out. You are totally opposite of mommy because you love to eat meat. Although your grandparents and our best friends have snuck in a few sips of Sun Drop, Coke, and sweet tea, you only drink whole milk and water. Transitioning you to whole milk in a sippy cup was a breeze. In fact, most transitions come easy for you, and that is one of the many reasons why I love you oh so much. You make my job easy (most of the time).

Another recent transition has been not giving you the paci. For the last week, you used a paci for one nap. The major hurdle we were afraid of was not giving it to you yesterday in church, but with a couple trips out of the sanctuary, you were fine. One of the main reasons we decided to start limiting the use of a paci was because your top 4 front teeth decided to come in all at once. We let you use it to comfort you through teething, but no more paci after that. Your doctor said the paci can interfere with your front teeth. But I can't lie. The more honest reason was because your check up was this week, and I didn't want you to have a paci in front of the doctor. I knew he would not be happy seeing that. Instead of the paci lecture, mommy got a lecture about not rocking you to sleep at night, but we all know daddy is the one who needs to hear that lecture. We're not quite ready to stop rocking you to sleep though no matter what your doctor says. All joking aside, your doctor is awesome, and he is always impressed with the set of lungs God gave you.

Speaking of your set of lungs, you are very talkative. Here is a list of some of the things you say or have said at least twice -- Mickey, thank you (your favorite thing to say), bye, da-da, ma-ma, pa-paw, aunt B, doggie, no (another one of your favorites), ball, eat, uh-oh (another favorite), I ove oo (I love you), eye, baby, bow, hot.

Big brother and sister love to teach you all kinds of things since you are so good at being a copy cat. You laugh when they laugh, and you have even imitated a sneeze. We often have conversations reminding each other that we need to be very careful about what we say around you. You are going to embarrass us with something you repeat one of these days. 

Your favorite song is "Peanut Butter Jelly Time," and this song will cheer you up no matter how much of a fit you are throwing. You also like the hot dog song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Another favorite of yours is "Hello My Name Is." This is a Christian song that comes on the radio every day. You love this song because you can sing along with it. There is a part when the singer sings "waa oh oh oh oh," and it sounds similar to "uh-oh." It never fails that you sing along saying "uh-oh." That puts a smile on my face every day, and it always gives your brother and sister a good laugh as they are heading to and from school. It never gets old.

You love to press buttons to see what will happen, and this includes the remote control, garage door opener, alarm system, and light switches. Your big sissy has taught you how to brush your hair, and she is very proud that she is the one who taught you that.

You still enjoy bath time, and now you pitch a fit when it's time to get out of the bath. Letting the hair dryer blow on you is a quick fix to help you forget about getting out of the bath. Daddy is afraid you are going to be addicted to using the hair dryer as a heater like I am.

Although you are not walking yet, you have taken several steps many times. We are all waiting for you to take off soon. For now, you enjoy crawling super fast. Last night you were very ill at the end of church (which is usually the case), but you lit up and put on your happy face as soon as all the boys ranging from age 2 - 15 came to see you and hold your hands as you walked down the aisle. You love the boys at church a little too much. 

We could probably return all your toys and let you play in the cabinets and dresser drawers all day. You love taking things out and putting them back. However, you never put your clothes back in your dresser drawers after you sling them across your room. We really need to work on that, little missy.

Even though I want to keep you a little baby forever, I am anxious to see what you will do and learn next! We all are.