During our engagement, many people gave me lots of wanted and unwanted advice on how to have a successful, ready-made family. I became an instant mom when I married Mr. M, but we did not become an instant family, at least not the instant family I imagined or the instant family well-meaning people imagined for us. In the beginning, that really bothered me. I could not understand why we were not able to function like the family I had. The truth, which I did not want to accept, is a step-family can have similarities to a biological family, but it will never be a biological family.
The terms ready-made family and instant family are all wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. If you are thinking of marrying to form a step-family or if you are already part of a step-family, get these terms out of your mind. Please, do yourself a favor. It is true that nothing worth having comes easy. I know you might be saying, "But my future spouse, future step-kids, and I get along great." This post isn't about getting along. It's about the process of becoming a strong step-family that will stand the tests and trials you are bound to face. It is just that -- a process -- it does not happen instantaneously.
My mom bought The Smart Step-Family by Ron Deal for me after I got married. I wish I would have read this book prior to marriage because it would have prepared me and truly benefited our family sooner. Please, do yourself another favor and get this book. A lot of what I will write about today comes from this wise author.
There are many ways you can try to force your step-family to come together. Imagine you are in the kitchen. Your ingredients are you, your spouse, and your step-children. You begin to throw all the ingredients inside a blender and viola -- a perfectly smooth mixture. Unfortunately, your ingredients were obliterated in the process. You may have good intentions, but moving too fast toward a beautiful bond can be harmful. Don't let me discourage you. You will have a bond, but let this bond take place gradually and at the pace established by your step-children.
Let's try again with a food processor. You toss your ingredients inside, and the ingredients are diced into a mixture. This represents chopping up someone's past and origin. It is possible to have a very important role in the lives of your step-children without pretending like they don't have a past and origin that included two parents and a family that once was in tact.
Maybe the microwave might do the trick. You nuke the ingredients hoping to create something worth waiting for while not waiting long at all. This culinary technique represents families that resent being called a step-family. However, accepting the unique differences about your step-family is the first step in learning how to relate to each other.
My favorite cooking method is the crockpot. It makes my life so much easier, and using the crockpot method for my step-family has also made my life much easier. Tomorrow, I plan to make crockpot chicken and sausage gumbo (view the recipe here -- add frozen okra and diced onion).
I'll throw in my ingredients, but they will remain in tact. Each family member in a step-family must remain in tact to keep their unique origin and characteristics. Cooking with low heat will allow my chicken and sausage to become tender, the frozen okra to thaw, the smelly onion to mellow, and the spices and chicken broth to soak into each ingredient. The different ingredients cook low and slow to create one of our favorite meals. The same process is necessary with step-families -- low and slow. Don't add so much pressure on yourselves to perfectly and instantly come together like the Brady bunch. You all need time to adjust to different living conditions, different ways of doing daily activities, and different traditions. Don't rush each other.
Here we are with our newest little ingredient. We're not perfect, but we have tremendously benefited from the crockpot step-family process.
If you like this post, then you will love The Smart Step-Family. Ron Deal is a Christian author, who specializes in advising step-families. I strongly encourage you to get the book today. If you don't need it, get it for a friend or family member who can benefit from it.
Thanks for reading!
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